||[01 Jul 2007|02:08pm]
An open letter to an obvious recipient, that i will probably never deliver, because i second guess my own thought processes so much that i generally refuse to expose them without careful on the fly editing to protect myself:
The act of writing my thoughts necessitates a way to nick open the circular nature of my mind; beginning is always hard.
We are all of us new to this, in one way or another: you are new to polyamory and to this particular group, which is bound to be overwhelming in dimensions i have difficulty conceiving of; Jessi is new to the burgeoning relationship the two of you share, and the practice of such a structured multi-partner relationship, something causing her to question the differences between this and anything she has done before; i am new to both the idea of a closed-system relationship such as this, and the concept that my relationship with one person directly affects that persons relationships with another person, something that i constantly struggle with.
Beginning is always hard.
i’ve spent some significant time lately talking to Jess about this, because for the first time ever, the two people i find myself most desiring and most likely to be involved with are themselves involved; this situation is so much more complex than any before because of that. Honestly, it sometimes amazes me how i can continue to discover more and more complicated ways to be in relationships, and i am beginning to doubt that there is an upper limit to the complexities of human interaction because of it.
You want to develop your relationship with Jess into something stable, something meaningful. Meanwhile, Jessi and i have been building ourselves back up from nothing to regain that friendship we once had, all the while toying with the idea of rebuilding the sexual aspect we kept telling ourselves wasn’t reciprocated. The weak link in this bond is you and i, because together we have built nothing. Our strongest bond established at this point is our mutual love for the trampoline. Once upon a time, not that long ago, the idea that my relationship with someone could detrimentally affect that person’s relationship with someone else is something i scoffed at. But with some pride lost and some sense gained, i know it to be true. My relationship with Jessi will directly affect your relationship with her as well. in good conscience, i cannot go any direction but backwards without your agreement, and more importantly, your approval. You need to be more than just okay with it for me to involve myself farther with either of you. You have to seek it, to desire it, such that we enter this without needing to be convinced by each other.
i am willing and actually eager to stake so much on this growing thing, because the gain could be so much, and the risk means i just have to push my self that much harder to reach that wonderful state. However, in all honesty, the longer it takes for us to find that stable starting point, the harder it will be for all of us, no matter what we decide about this. After being in a relationship where the only way we knew each other was sexually, and we spent the entire time lusting after someone else neither of us could have, after being in a relationship where my girlfriends fiancée and i pretended to be friends when we were together because we wanted to spare her the searing hate he felt for me, after watching Nicole and Shanna’s friendship decompose over time, and finally fragment completely when Sam quit being the glue that bound them… after these things i am infinitely wary of trying this without your trust. Without the strong bond of friendship, i don’t know how to make this work.
There are numerous difficulties with this situation, not the least among them timing and distance. i do all i can to build my friendships and relationships in real time, because it plays to my strengths, and so much more of me is shown at once, and i can absorb so much more. Which is awesome, opposite-wise, given that about 80% of the time i am down at Sam, Nicole, and Jessi’s house it is because i have work the next day and i’ll be damned if i’m not going to drink instead of waking up 2 hours early to catch the bus. Because of this, it is easy to maintain my closeness to Jessi, but much more difficult to interact with you. The distance between where you live and where i usually am, and the fact that if you are where i usually am i also am usually at work, is very frustrating.
You and i may never go anywhere beyond friendship at all; this triumvirate is not necessarily a package deal. i hope to hell we do go beyond just that, because i am so retarded into you that i irritate myself, but i’d honestly rather just be your friend than to force something between us so as to fulfill some kind of arrangement.
i fall quick, i fall hard, and passion is one of the largest parts of my being. i have a volatile personality, and unfortunately, the same applies to Jessi. i sometimes wonder if 3 stars of the Aries stripe can make something like this work for longer than it takes to have sex and then get into a knife fight. But i hope we can. Sincerely i hope it. No matter how hard the beginning.