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[01 Jul 2007|02:08pm]
An open letter to an obvious recipient, that i will probably never deliver, because i second guess my own thought processes so much that i generally refuse to expose them without careful on the fly editing to protect myself:
The act of writing my thoughts necessitates a way to nick open the circular nature of my mind; beginning is always hard.

We are all of us new to this, in one way or another: you are new to polyamory and to this particular group, which is bound to be overwhelming in dimensions i have difficulty conceiving of; Jessi is new to the burgeoning relationship the two of you share, and the practice of such a structured multi-partner relationship, something causing her to question the differences between this and anything she has done before; i am new to both the idea of a closed-system relationship such as this, and the concept that my relationship with one person directly affects that persons relationships with another person, something that i constantly struggle with.

Beginning is always hard.

i’ve spent some significant time lately talking to Jess about this, because for the first time ever, the two people i find myself most desiring and most likely to be involved with are themselves involved; this situation is so much more complex than any before because of that. Honestly, it sometimes amazes me how i can continue to discover more and more complicated ways to be in relationships, and i am beginning to doubt that there is an upper limit to the complexities of human interaction because of it.

You want to develop your relationship with Jess into something stable, something meaningful. Meanwhile, Jessi and i have been building ourselves back up from nothing to regain that friendship we once had, all the while toying with the idea of rebuilding the sexual aspect we kept telling ourselves wasn’t reciprocated. The weak link in this bond is you and i, because together we have built nothing. Our strongest bond established at this point is our mutual love for the trampoline. Once upon a time, not that long ago, the idea that my relationship with someone could detrimentally affect that person’s relationship with someone else is something i scoffed at. But with some pride lost and some sense gained, i know it to be true. My relationship with Jessi will directly affect your relationship with her as well. in good conscience, i cannot go any direction but backwards without your agreement, and more importantly, your approval. You need to be more than just okay with it for me to involve myself farther with either of you. You have to seek it, to desire it, such that we enter this without needing to be convinced by each other.

i am willing and actually eager to stake so much on this growing thing, because the gain could be so much, and the risk means i just have to push my self that much harder to reach that wonderful state. However, in all honesty, the longer it takes for us to find that stable starting point, the harder it will be for all of us, no matter what we decide about this. After being in a relationship where the only way we knew each other was sexually, and we spent the entire time lusting after someone else neither of us could have, after being in a relationship where my girlfriends fiancée and i pretended to be friends when we were together because we wanted to spare her the searing hate he felt for me, after watching Nicole and Shanna’s friendship decompose over time, and finally fragment completely when Sam quit being the glue that bound them… after these things i am infinitely wary of trying this without your trust. Without the strong bond of friendship, i don’t know how to make this work.

There are numerous difficulties with this situation, not the least among them timing and distance. i do all i can to build my friendships and relationships in real time, because it plays to my strengths, and so much more of me is shown at once, and i can absorb so much more. Which is awesome, opposite-wise, given that about 80% of the time i am down at Sam, Nicole, and Jessi’s house it is because i have work the next day and i’ll be damned if i’m not going to drink instead of waking up 2 hours early to catch the bus. Because of this, it is easy to maintain my closeness to Jessi, but much more difficult to interact with you. The distance between where you live and where i usually am, and the fact that if you are where i usually am i also am usually at work, is very frustrating.

You and i may never go anywhere beyond friendship at all; this triumvirate is not necessarily a package deal. i hope to hell we do go beyond just that, because i am so retarded into you that i irritate myself, but i’d honestly rather just be your friend than to force something between us so as to fulfill some kind of arrangement.

i fall quick, i fall hard, and passion is one of the largest parts of my being. i have a volatile personality, and unfortunately, the same applies to Jessi. i sometimes wonder if 3 stars of the Aries stripe can make something like this work for longer than it takes to have sex and then get into a knife fight. But i hope we can. Sincerely i hope it. No matter how hard the beginning.
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[20 Mar 2007|09:45am]
in reference to Caenum's recent journal entry:

me: oh my god.
me: its so obvious
me: eat this?
me: her bumper.
me: what
caenum: eat my bumper pffff
me: tell me how that doesnt make perfect sense
me: clearly, the sticker does not refer to anything with a picture
me: therefore, it must refer to something directly in contact witht he sticker
me: ie the bumper
me: hence the term bumper sticker
me: jesus christ, im upset i had to walk you thru the fuckin chain of logic
caenum: you cannot eat a bumper
me: ...
me: you really are stupid arent you
me: you also cannot eat a curb
me: however it is a euphemism
me: much the same as being offered a knuckle sandwich
caenum: you cannot eat a bumper
caenum: fag
me: you cannot eat a lot of things people tell other people to eat
caenum: cant eat bumpers.
me: cant eat lead either.
caenum: yeah but notice there
caenum: you said eat lead
caenum: not eat this
me: ...youre retarded
me: that isnt even an argument
me: if i was in a movie
me: and you said some shit
me: and i said 'oh yeah? eat THIS!' and pulled out a gun
me: what am i telling you to eat.
me: is it the gun? you cant eat a gun.
caenum: thats a verbal expression and cannot be related to a textual form on a bumper.
me: no, it can.
me: i have a progression of thought
me: answer the question.
me: i am doing this in steps to prove that you are a child.
caenum: exclaiming "eat this" when pulling out a gun implies movement. knowing that a gun shoots bullets, "eat this" says "im goin to push something into you" or "im going to shoot you" - "eat this" on the back of a bumper would only work if they ewre going to slam on their brakes forcing me to rear end them.
caenum: which they didnt.
caenum: so it doesnt relate.
me: what? thats stupid.
me: it doesnt imply movement any less than a car
me: which is MOVING
me: you IDIOT
caenum: they did NOTHING
me: ...
me: "eat this" on the back of a bumper would only work if they ewre going to slam on their brakes forcing me to rear end them.
me: and dont even get it.
me: is it possible that in order to punish you for judging their driving harshly that they would slam on their brakes and cause you to 'eat their bumper'
me: whether or not they actually do so?
me: its there a precedent for that?
me: has it ever been done before in history?
me: the answer to all these questions is yes.
caenum: maybe eat my dust
me: your argument isnt that it cant refer to the bumper
caenum: but then why not say EAT MY DUST
me: your argument is that you dont get it.
me: its like if i had a post-it that said 'DONT EAT THIS' on a box of cereal and you said 'DONT EAT WHAT?!'
caenum: eat this, and then an arrow pointing at the bumper
caenum: that would make sense
me: why does it have to have an arrow.
caenum: because "eat this" is generally spoken word
me: ...
caenum: so you have a motion saying 'this is what im refering to"
caenum: so you get it.
me: so youre saying
me: if something text.
me: says this.
me: you, not everyone else.
me: but just you
me: dont get it?
me: because clearly she got it.
me: and i get it.
me: this is about you.
caenum: pffffff
me: the person who approved the design got it.
me: the people who distribute it got it.
me: there is a wealth of people involved.
caenum: all retards
me: youre claiming it makes no sense.
me: because youre stupid.
caenum: just because everyone is stupid, and communicates stupid, doesnt mean that i'm the stupid one.
me: lets go back to my post-it analogy
me: if i had a post it on a box of cereal that said 'DONT EAT THIS'
me: what happens to you.
me: if i dont draw an arrow.
caenum: thats a post it. not a bumper sticker.
me: so its the medium then.
me: its not the fact that its text.
me: your argument isnt even logical at this point.
me: what if i wrote it on a strip of duct tape
me: and put that on the bumper.
caenum: with what
caenum: "if you dont like my driving eat this" or "eat this"
me: either one.
caenum: the foremost would be the same confusion, the latter, nah.
caenum: latter works.
me: why does the first one not work.
caenum: EAT WHAT
me: if it is the same sentence on the most basic level, with a qualifying clause preceding.
caenum: define "this"
me: both phrases have that as the basic structure
me: (you) eat this
me: one has a clause before it.
me: so if the bumper sticker or post-it or duct tape JUST said 'eat this' you said youd be fine.
caenum: yeah, but with the latter, there is no preceeding text, so of course it can only be related to the only thing related to it. the duct tape or the bumper.
me: but telling you when it is necissary for you to eat it confuses you?
me: how does it telling you when to do something take away from the same implication.
caenum: well i didnt like her driving.
me: if i put IF IT IS RAINING OUTSIDE, DONT EAT THIS on the post it on my cereal, would you become confused?
caenum: hahahahaha if it wasnt raining outside i'd eat it
me: good, then you understand qualifiers at least.
caenum: or better yet
caenum: i'd eat it anyway and say it wasnt raining
me: this at least shows understanding
caenum: but take note
caenum: i could DO something
caenum: either way
me: yeah, and.
caenum: what do i do in response to that bumper.
caenum: i certainly cant eat anything.
me: ...
me: the term.
me: eat this.
me: when applied to such objects
caenum: oooh now we're saying its slang
me: is never literal.
caenum: so you're trying to use the literal argument against the fact it is slang.
me: i said 'it is a euphemism'
caenum: when slang has to infer what it is being slang towards.
caenum: which it doesnt. which is why it doesnt work.
me: wrong again.
caenum: euphemism != slang
me: just because YOU dont understand the slang doesnt mean it doesnt make sense.
me: actually yes, it is
me: all slang is a common euphemism.
caenum: COMMON
me: is your argument now that EAT THIS isnt common?
caenum: SO YOU ADMIT "EAT THIS" is in reference to DOING SOMETIHNG
me: thats a leap in logic right there
me: if you say 'eat this'
me: it implies that the other person has no choice
me: that, in fact, they are required NOT to do anything
caenum: 'i am goin to force this upon you'
me: for it will be beyond their means to prevent.
caenum: it could say "if you dont like my driving, sucks to be you"
me: so, if you do not like her driving, you cannot prevent impacting with her bumper, should she slam on her brakes.
caenum: that dont make no sense
me: how.
me: if she had slammed on her breaks, would you have impacted with her bumper?
caenum: no, im a good driver.
me: so youre saying its impossible?
me: because it cannot apply to anyone ever?
caenum: having identified that she was a horrendous and terrible driver, i gave her quite a bit of berth
me: that the statement is invalid because it will never apply to anyone?
caenum: (of course after she cut me off allowing me to read that fucking bumper sticker)

caenum: see. told you i was right
me: what.
caenum: exactly
me: youre trying to confuse me to invalidate my point, and that will never work.
me: one day i am going to prove to myself that the things you are in my head that make you interesting arent true and then i will have no reason to not kill you.
caenum: then i'd be even more interesting dead
caenum: wouldnt want that now
me: for a robot, your logic sucks beep beep.
3 comments|post comment

[14 Mar 2007|02:06am]
it hurts, that's the thing that bothers me most.

and it makes me reflect on what i've accomplished. and i don't see much in the way of an answer. i've been places, i've done things, but what does it amount to? what did i really gain?

i know this is probably just a temporary funk, but it doesn't make it any less intense.

i feel like i betrayed myself, and i am overwhelmed by my realizations. i thought i had freed myself, when in reality i had locked all of it deep inside myself, and now its... expanding. and i feel like its crushing the breath right out of me.

i spent 3 years madly in love with someone. and because i was scared of that realization, i threw it away in the first 6 months. and it only became more and more intense. and... i think instead of throwing it away when another chance came, i fucked it up somehow.

i think i fucked it up because i was so overwhelmed. i couldn't... i couldn't be so close without being completely overtaken.

i'm trying to find a description of the night in question so i can feel it more acutely.

...oh god. i forgot this song. because it stopped being a part of my life, to be overwhelmed by this. but now it is again and oh god i can feel the water in my eyes. as soon as you stepped through the door... i smell you for the first time all over again...

its not just that i remember how happy we made each other, or how good i was for her and vice versa. its not that shes one of the most beautiful girls ive ever known, and one of the people ive gotten along best with in my entire life. its more than just a 695 out of 700 compatability score.

its because she is a beautiful person, and no matter how violent or confusing or destructive or dramatic or any other adjective or gerund her life is... i dont believe anything will change that.

she can tell me stories about her and her friends hanging out and i can think to myself 'god heather what are you doing?' but then i can hang out with her, just the 2 of us, and know that ill never get over her.

because she can only do 2 things in the future. she can drop all of the idiots that drag her down right now, or she will never get better and only get older.

and im betting that one day shes going to figure it out and oh god i want to be there to see the look on her face when her life becomes as beautiful as i hope it will one day be. ive got a lot emotionally invested in that kid.

i wrote that almost 3 years ago, and its only gotten truer.

because it's more than true now. i never thought of anyone else as ever being above her in my affections. while i held out no hope after a certain point, i always knew.

and everyone i have ever been with, meaningfully or otherwise, or even thought of being with... i always looked for the end. i always tried to anticipate where it would fall apart.

everyone but her.

every person i have ever loved, i have loved because to be with them can hurt me so badly, and i guess i am only happy when i am miserable. and because i can't see how she could make me miserable if i was with her, i deny myself the very possibility to bring that misery to myself.

one of the things i do is build scenarios in my head that will never exist. this is because they wouldn't go the way i'd like if i did them for real, so i will perfect them in my head.

in my head, it's just me and her, and i look up at the sky, and i tell her these things. i tell her that in the past 4 years, i have learned a lot about myself, and i'm trying to come to terms with it. and that one of the things ive learned is that i draw too much misery to myself, and that witholding this is one of them.

i will turn to her, in the light of the moon and junk, because it is night time, and i will say to her "i love you. and as long as you are the person you've always been to me, i will ALWAYS love you. but you dont have to date me, you dont have to kiss me, you dont have to fuck me, you dont have to hold my hand. you just have to know and understand that i love you, and that anything i can do to help you, i will. and while i may always wish for more than friendship from you, friendship is the only thing i really need from you."

and then i will give her one of my good hugs, and kiss her on the forehead, and we will look at the stars for awhile.

i want to believe i could orchestrate this scene, but i dont think i ever will. i get all flustered and fucked up when i cansmell her, i don't think i could deal with this kind of thing.

i told her how i felt once, and just doing that made me feel like i was pushing all of the stored emotions, thoughts, and passion of 3 years through my solar plexus. and when i did that, i did it by sending her a goddamn Myspace message.

so how could i ever do it now?
...and it breaks my heart
to know
the only reason you are here now is
a reminder
of what ill never have
ill never have
ill never

standing so close, knowing that it kills me to breathe you in
standing so close, knowing that it kills me to breathe you in

i cherish you
i cherish you
just say you would do the same for me
just say you
would do
the same
for me
1 comment|post comment

[04 Mar 2007|04:04pm]
i often think i am doomed to be unmatched my whole life because i often realize that as each day goes by i know less and less what it is that i want out of someone else. and i have yet to meet someone who can do anything at all in an intimate setting, sexual or not, that makes me feel as alive, happy, and fulfilled as an angry group of strangers.

i've got a lot of something to do in life. and i haven't the foggiest as to what that something is.
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[30 Jan 2007|01:30am]
one hand for yourself and one for the ship.

i miss the rhythms of waves underfoot, and nights so black i questioned even the presence of water.
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[28 Jan 2007|08:24pm]
It is not very often i am confronted with the fact that i treat people badly in a fundamental way.

i am very rarely mean or vindictive to friends and loved ones; that's not what i mean.

i mean that i still, in part, see others as multiple things; not only people but also objects. because most everyone i know exists as multiple people in my head, the fact that some of these people are also objects is par for the course.

and as such, sometimes i treat people as objects. what kind of object this is depends on the person, really. it's never so simple as 'this object-person cleans things' or 'this object-person is for sex' or any of the other mundane ways people use other people.

object isn't a good word. resources. i see them as resources. but not as human resources.

actually no, i see them oftentimes as human. it's that i do not see them as being on the same order of existance as i am. not necissarily more or less, usually. but altogether different. it's more that i see them as human, but myself as not human somehow.

and i recently (today) realized that it would be very easy to confuse my behavior. because i treat each faceted person in my head differently than the people who truly exist. however, this treatment rarely carries over to the other facets of them.

so i may act in two wildly conflicting ways. i have no idea how to work on this.

this occurred to me because i realized that most of my life is fairly normal, as far as activities go. but then a substancial remainder is playing a game only i can play. the game is like a combination of that old 'Find the 12 things wrong with this picture' from old Highlights for Children, and 'Guess Who?'

i try and figure out how the things that go on in my head are wildly abberant compared to the things that go on in everyone elses. the problem is that i have no idea what the other picture looks like. so i have to guess. and the only way of testing that is to fire these guesses at other people.

sometimes this doesn't go over well.

i realized recently that one of the facets of Jessi is an object-resource that is strictly for acquiring human data from. namely, i will take an idea of mine that i suspect is not naturally occuring in human minds, and pass it off as being fully reasonable. granted, in my mind it is fully reasonable, but the train of logic is oft times hard to follow. to test if these are valid thoughts for people to have, i don't explain them. i just throw them out and see how she absorbs them. in this way i don't put the idea in her head that they are to be tried intellectually, but accepted or refuted based on human critera automatically.

this is an awful way to treat an actual person.

the problem is, that is exactly what the REAL Jessi is. the thing in my head is PART of the Jessi that exists, who happens to be an actual person.

as i said, i am not sure how to work on this, aside from stopping. which is entirely possible to do, mind you, but is in no way a fix for the deeper problem.

and i arrived at this whole realization as i was thinking of something else entirely. there is a moment that sometimes occurs for me. in that moment, someone will say or do something, and the thing that they say or do integrates with other things they have said or done, and i realize something about the forces that drive them. and then i simultaneously realize that the thing i just identified is either something they have not discovered about themselves, or something that they are horribly ashamed of as a motivating factor. and my brain hits the cut-off switch on them temporarily in horror.

until i recover, i mostly just fake my way along like it didn't happen, while another part of my brain digests it.

i don't have a word for this situation or occurance. and i don't think anyone else does either. and as it turns out, i was partially looking for it today. i wanted to find something like this to temper my resolve. and boy did it work. for now at least. but afterwards, i was replaying it in my head, and i thought to myself... that is clearly not a human response. otherwise there would be a word for it.

which led to this other mess.

anyway, i also realized because of the nature of this realization that i may just doom myself to bachelordom in perpetuity if i am not careful. because this sensation doesn't happen with everyone. far from it. but i embarked on my mission this weekend as a test of my resolve. to carefully monitor and note my reactions and actions and their effects. it was a near-perfect success on that score. as to the effectiveness of my accomplishment, we shall still see. particularly since i could easily dash all of said accomplishment to nothing with a few well placed words.

it sounds melodramatic to say that i may be alone forever because of this, but if taken to the extreme it means that i have the power to supress my actions that promote sexual tension, which we have established drives me. and while doing so, i may observe the other individual not with a clear eye, but rather a jaundiced one, attempting to find flaw beforehand. and if i can, i can then extrapolate (theoretically) how critical it will be to the future downfall of said relationship, should it come to pass.

effectively, i can find (or in the worst case scenario, invent) perfectly logical reasons to terminate the contact before it rightly starts.

THAT'S sure to serve me well.
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[23 Jan 2007|12:49am]
today i learned something very important about myself that i had never given much thought to.

the only 'taboo' i have left is the awkwardness of unresolved sexual tension. Thou Shalt Not Tip Thy Hand. it's the last real thrill i have to chase in the sexual arena. maybe i'm not alone. but it's never been something i was really aware of. i just always focused on something else; on the deficiencies of sexual satisfaction from my sex life.

now it all makes sense. it's not and never has been the sex i find satisfying or fulfilling. it's the stolen glances, the awkward silences in mixed company. the desperate passion of intrigue.

now that i think about it, i am definitely not alone.

but beyond that, i have very little to look forward to as far as these things go. at least every other drama addicted teenaged girl can enjoy the rest, even if it's not quite enough.

i just lose interest so fast after it's gone.

i was talking to jessi when i realized it, and i said to her "it's electricity, and it drives me. it might as well be this situation, because it doesn't matter who it is, the important part is this intensity. the upshot is this time i think i might be able to really draw it out this time."

she laughed, and i realized that perhaps the most fulfilling relationship i could have would involve someone it was not only a bad idea to become involved with, it was somehow impossible. and to sate our sexual desires we would fuck in the same room as each other; watching the sweat drip off each other's flanks, while our partners were oblivious to our motives.

i may revise that description. nah, i can't reword it better, so i'd just cut it off after the semicolon. it may not be elegant or even well written, but it gets the job done.

i am not afraid of being a hack. i reserve the right to fail to live up to your expectations.

the worst part of this, i believe, is the fact that despite all the obvious difficulties in this whole scenario, is that i am fairly sure it will never work. there is too much distance here, and i do not deal well with distance relationships. and this clearly would not be casual by any means. more casual at the onset of course, but this is a thing i would need to be near. to breathe its odors, and rub my fingertips across it to draw strength from it.

"you get off on being an asshole," jessi accused me.

"being an asshole is actually the deterrent; it's why i don't do this kind of shit constantly. but this is the final taboo, and so it's the only motivating sexual factor i have."

what a strange truth.

i was writing about this earlier in my notebook because it was digging in me, and i wrote this:
"this is a thing i wanted. a thing i wanted so badly i tried to bury the impulse. to write my wish on the insides of my veins, where even i couldn't see it."

"I believe that everything has worth, and everything has cost. anything with a cost has a price, and anything with a price can be stolen. but theft is just another way of accruing cost, and the fact of the matter is, i cannot justify this cost; even by likening it to returning a lost wallet empty."

"this does not alleviate want. nor do the constant admonishions of everyone else of what i already know."
the major idea that is hardest to convey is the urgency of desire. for most people, desire is a common motivator. this doesn't happen for me much. not this primal yearn for anything.

most of the things i desire viscerally are intangibles, or not strictly objects. words, or ideas mostly. the force of having a physical thing be something i desire, and to have it be attainable? i have to fight every pragmatic impulse in me, simply because of the urgency. but i cannot give in immediately, because every logical level of thought on the subject shows a picture of a road ending in failure and pain.

when this all blows up in my face you are all free to say i told you so. alternately, when i am beating myself up for not going for it later, remind me that i did the right thing.

whichever way this whole thing goes.
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[20 Jan 2007|10:00am]

who reads comics? okay, now who reads comics and HASN'T read 30 Days of Night yet?

get the fuck on it, seriously. i mean, you don't want to feel silly when the movie for the first limited comes out and i have to say 'i told you so.'

and besides, this way when you read it you won't see Josh Hartnett as the dude.
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[20 Jan 2007|05:51am]
today, i realized that i know what my favorite song is.

my favorite song of all time, rather.

i don't know how often this comes up, when you have a song that will always be your favorite always and forever, but i have one. maybe you do to.

if so, how did you know? what led you to believe that? i figured it out today. i was listening to it, and i thought... thats what it is, that is the very quality i need.

my favorite song is Enjoy the Silence by Depeche Mode.

i can remember the first time i heard it, on my shitty radio i found at a garage sale. i was listening to 107.7 and the hits collection for Depeche Mode had just come out, so this song was just getting big. and i heard it, and i fell in love. in my mind, its one of the earliest memories i have. chronologically this is far from true, but the bulk of my memories start to surface a few months before this, so in my head i say this is the start of my life. it's not true at all, but the fact that i still love the song so much gives it more weight.

but that is not why i love this song.

i love this song because i love it even when someone else does it. i have versions done by Evergreen Terrace, It Dies Today, and Lacuna Coil. i've got Remixes by everyone from Apollo 440 to Mike Shinoda of Linkin Park, if you can believe it.

i love them all so much. with one exception. because when you cover a song you can only change so much before it becomes parody, or at worst, a travesty. and all the things they have to keep are what makes me love.

what are these things? those 4 distinctive notes. the raw passion in the chorus. the general pacing of the song itself. if it were too much faster or slower, to much out of step with the original it wouldnt seem right.

Tori Amos does not keep these things.

in short, Tori Amos ruins other peoples songs. we always suspected as much.

also, TELL ME I AM NOT CRAZY. tell me Stars by Lacuna Coil and Won't Go Away by Vertical Horizon sound somehow similar.

DO THIS THING. i am listening to them both back to back on repeat, for hours. it's probably not healthy. also, other than packaging them together and putting them for upload, i can't think of a way for you to listen to them, and i don't know a single one of you who listens to both lacuna coil AND vertical horizon.

in fact, i can't think of a single one of you who listens to vertical horizon.

also, i lost my job
DON'T! try and console me. it just makes me feel worse. make some jokes about it and maybe give me an extra hug next time you see me.
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[08 Jan 2007|04:23pm]
this just in: the internet likes my dick.
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[29 Dec 2006|01:55am]
i dont know who actually wrote this. its been in my deadjournal memories for years and years, and ive never shown it to anyone else. im sure its by the person who's journal i found it it, but who knows. the internet is slippery.
you seek girls who fuck like their boneless
you don't trade money here
you trade information and skin
right now there are thousands of forgotten people
trying to remember you
children are killed because they write an enimies name backwards on the wall
young girls tie ribbons around their slender throats
trying to keep their heads on
chocolate boy walks to ice cream truck for a vanilla cone, is shot dead three times
the city kills it's young
the angels all have guns now
the angels aren't anyone you'd wanna pray to
no one here has goals like: get a job, get married, have kids
the ambitions are wake up, breathe, keep breathing
no desire to get rich, become famous, move out
the ambitions are wake up, breathe, keep breathing
every woman who walks by is every woman you'll never have
beautiful, quick, and posoinous as mercury
the city is full of women slim and busy
hoping there is room in some mans life... for them
women sort through the dead bodies like bags of laundry with exhausted mama eye
sigh because they are too dry for tears
people huddle in kitchens clasp their hands, celebrating
something has tried to kill them and failed
night club men, twitch, to subdue, to recognize apocolypse
the ambitions are wake up, breathe, keep breathing
you have driven these streets a thousand times
and all they offer is their exhaustion
your nightmares have your name now
you exit the glitter storm, go home alone and embrace the violence instead

the city has claimed all your blood and memory this is cool and unusual punishment
you go for years without touching another
never think of the why
you are so casual about brutality
dr. says "take this it'll settle you down."
dr. says "take this it'll settle your system."
dr. says "take this we'll settle the bill."
dr. says "take this it'll settle the score."

the ambitions are wake up, breathe, keep breathing
the ambitions are wake up, breathe, keep breathing

theres a voice on the loud speaker and she speaks your language
doesn't need to stay
can dissapear when the wife walks in
here comes the interrogation room scene
today's the day you're gonna get caught
you're terrified of what you crave
don't get delighted, they want you scared
the sweet things don't stick around but the bullshit lasts forever
please press pound
your duel channeling for new friends are just new things to envy
who's running the machine you run on?
wish you had someone to speak code with
wish you had somebody to steal things for
wish you had someone to fuck you so you could finally go to sleep
you just wanna die
a little bit
ink and paint is making you faint
in your pale pale shirt stolen from uptown stores
watch the girls in the twin sweater sets
smoke, cought, throw up, teeth scraped knuckles
get in the car
get in the car
GET IN THE CAR and what you hear is a sound of impact
turn around slowly and check your body for bruises
there is noone here to take care of you
open mouth waiting for a candy kiss and all you get is rain and communion
between lap dances and lap tops you seek girls who fuck like their boneless
your 38
and your job is telling 14 year old boys what to think is cool
are you laughing? they are
and this one is a fire
and that one is a flame
and this one is a spark
and that one is a match you put out in your mouth when no one was looking
and in your dreams your grandparents live forever
and you throw your love into the air like glitter
swallowing stars, spitting up star dust
the amibitions are wake up, breathe, keep breathing

mothers ring their hands and say "i'm so at a loss"
best friend say "i have come not to praise you but to destroy you with my bare fucking hands."
girl on the television says "you all work for me now."
boss says "come here and let me hit you just once."
man on the steeet says "i can make any woman kill herself in a year"
so you drive your dead body home at night
and when you sleep the angels kisses are mercury
breaking love into lust
grinding pearls into dust

the ambitions are wake up, breathe, keep breathing
the ambitions are wake up, breathe........ keep breathing..

i wish it was mine.
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[25 Dec 2006|11:36pm]
what do you call them things. they are like goals, but there is not a god damned thing you can do to attain them? dreams? hopes? what the fuck is the word for this.

i want like, 3 things off the top of my head that fit into this category.

the funny part is that two of them arent mutually exclusive by any means, but it might appear that way to many people.

i just... sigh. i just want to feel that ridiculousness again. to hear the good joke, in a sea of them that start with 'knock knock'
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[18 Dec 2006|12:38pm]
all the best soul searching happens in the shower, and all my best ideas come from dreams.

how much of what i do is merely strange, and how much is wrong? and if it is wrong, how have i gone this long without someone trying to correct me? did someone try once, and i missed it? did everyone else watch that failure and figure out ways around me, so that they could avoid these pitfalls?

i firmly believe that we all have a severe blind spot when it comes to ourselves. the only thing we have up on everyone else is the fact that we remember more of what happened to us than most people. even that is suspect.

how much of what you believe about yourself is true, and how much is merely pride or fear or displacement?

and then how much of THAT is actually important? what percentage of your mental image of yourself is false? how much of that hubris and error actually matters to anyone but you?

questions of existensialism like this really make me wish i could go back to being a solipsist.

i came up with something in the shower that could solve a few problems but it was fairly crass and not a good actual fix, so i shan't repeat it.
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[18 Dec 2006|07:31am]
i sometimes think most people give me way too much credit.

that is probably my fault somehow. at the point in time where value was assigned, i faked it well enough to get bonus points.

i have different priorities i guess. and that probably makes me the wierd one. they just changed at one point. it became much less important that people understand the ins and outs of me, because no one ever really has. the important ones pick up on the important bits, and that's more than enough for me. sometimes it's depressing, but then i just tell myself that no one truly understands everything about anyone else and hope it's true, so that i feel better.

what defines oneself? what parts of me could be taken away and i would still remain? what final piece could i not exist without? what is my essence? in what arena do you define that? is it spiritually, intellectually, interpersonally? how do you know what defines you, particularly for yourself. what part of me, to me, makes me... me?

i have no idea.

i think the things that define me (to me at least) are negatives. not like, things that i wish were positive, but things that do not define me. i know who i am by knowing what i am not.

but looking at the things i have spend the last half hour or so applying to myself, none of these things are really obvious to others. in fact, when conversation comes up about most of them, most times i gloss over it. because it's not important to me that everyone knows how i define myself, and a fair number of my friends have either picked it up anyway, or it isn't important to them. why should it be? how i define myself has very little to do with how i act and behave, and not nearly as much of how i think as i would like to believe.

which raises the question... what parts of me define myself to others? clearly there are a myriad of answers, as i am defined as many things to many people. but it is one of those questions i cannot answer for myself, which means i am fascinated. maybe not with the answers i might get, but the very question.

A designer knows he has achieved perfection not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
-Antoine de Saint-Exupery

a girl i knew once told me that. it was in reference to something else. but i think it applies to just about everything. the most beautiful things are so simple. and i don't mean that complexity isn't beautiful, but for a complex thing to be beautiful, it must all work together in a way that extraneous clutter inhibits.

i am really picky about what words mean. but a kind of offshoot to that is i try not to apply labels to entities, because my proclivities toward language and my general wierdness could give away too much of what i mean by it. the way i think isn't how many of my friends think, and so something that makes perfect sense to me seems strange to them. rather than tip my hand and let them walk bald-facedly into strangeness and have to explain it, i'd rather they figure it out on their own, and come to terms with it. and if they never do, no great loss, because it hasn't impeded our friendship up until this point.

that previous paragraph is probably a good example, because i am fairly sure some friends of mine would be horrified that i think of them like that.

but i do. and theres really no reason to be horrified, if you think about it. it takes a special kind of wierdness to appreciate some of my thoughts, and what if you don't quite qualify? i'm not going to stop being friends with you, i'll just keep some of the more abject wierdness away, if i can help it. it may not be a good system, but it is hard to tell at this point, as historically it has worked so well.

but enough of this palaver. let us begin the day.
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[07 Dec 2006|05:42am]
you ever hear about those guys who castrate themselves? they use like the same equipment that gets used on cattle, or they wrap a rubber band around the base of their scrotum, or several other generally accepted ways of doing it.

i read about that once about 6 or 7 years ago now.

and i immediately thought to myself, "those guys are clever. thats not a half bad idea."

this is only one of many things that are wrong with my attitudes towards sex.

i had a conversation with Tim and Jessi few days back. i say a conversation even though they didnt speak together because it was simultaneous.

skP2y F thorax: it takes two tim
skP2y F thorax: im not going to wait for you and just pine away
skP2y F thorax: a girl has to keep herself occupied.
Viekal: there's another man, I know it
Viekal: or woman
skP2y F thorax: i am the other manwoman
Viekal: so you're cheating on me with you?
skP2y F thorax: silly boy
skP2y F thorax: im cheating on me with you, and always have been.
Viekal: so what if you were together with you
Viekal: then would you cheat on you with you
Viekal: OR MAYBE. you and you and you could have a threesome. and you could cheat on you and you with you and you in another threesome
skP2y F thorax: no
skP2y F thorax: im very understanding when it comes to threesomes.
Viekal: I can see it
skP2y F thorax: id have brought it up with me before now about you but im not sure how i would react to the proposal.
skP2y F thorax: im very picky about who i let sleep with me and myself
Viekal: as it should be

skP2y F thorax: im talking to tim about how im dating myself and cheating on me with him and not bringing up a threesome between me him and me until now because im not sure how i would react to me sleeping with him because im picky about who i let sleep with me and myself.
skP2y F thorax: and that turned into me refering to myself in the third person
fieryperplexion: hey, does that mean we have had a threesome?
fieryperplexion: and is there a different personality between 'm'e and 'myself'...b/c apparently they don't agree on who you should sleep with....
fieryperplexion: do you argue often?
skP2y F thorax: no i get along great with me.
skP2y F thorax: sometimes i worry that im not good enough for him tho.
skP2y F thorax: he always tells me im being silly when i bring it up.
fieryperplexion: why aren't you good enough for him
skP2y F thorax: i dont know, i just worry sometimes.
skP2y F thorax: i think, hes so good to me, and ive done such horrible things in my life. am i really worth it for him?
skP2y F thorax: and he reminds me that hes no saint either, and not to let it get to me.

some people wonder where i come up with this stuff. it's because its true. partially.

in my head, there is an idealized version of me and this girl who is a lot like me but not quite. like my half bizzarro female doppelganger. and when i fantasize, those are the people involved. this is probably not a surprise to many of you.

but the thing is, sometimes after i fool around with someone actual, i feel bad. for lots of wierd reasons, so its most likely a pathological deal. but every so often its because i feel like i have betrayed the two who have loved me the longest.

and that's really really wierd. but all the other parts are pretty hot, so i deal.

today i was thinking about that and i thought it would be a good premise for a romantic comedy. Man attracts the attention of 2 beings of somekind, one of whom manifests as an idealized version of himself and one who manifests as a woman. and they attempt to seduce him away from meaningful relationships with real people.

this would work better if this were some kind of updated period piece, like it is a bet between 2 demons or something. but it has taken a kind of shape in my head, and i like it a bit.

and i still want to go back and work on my old Prologue to an Unwritten Story but i haven't come up with anything in the middle yet. and one bit i've already written needs to be looked at as well. what i already have isn't that good, but it only really lacks polish. and that comes from countless rewrites once i figure out what im actually trying to do.
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[30 Nov 2006|04:17am]
this is the best achewood of all time, as far as i am concerned.

no plot, not real punchline, just hilarity and solid writing through and through.

in other news, uhhh... fuck. i got shit to do and it irritates me.
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[28 Nov 2006|05:30am]
well what brought that on? huh.

snow pants are less fun than regular pants, i can tell you that. they make a different noise.
2 comments|post comment

[25 Nov 2006|05:45am]
posted 25 November, 5.30a:
what's the opposite of Autism.
cuz i think that's a good word for whatever it is i do all day.

i have figured out what i am getting nicole tonight, but she doesnt know it yet.
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[21 Nov 2006|12:14am]
so i think i figured it out.

not that it ends this metaphorical staring contest, but at least i know one or two reasons behind my hesitance to blink.

but then again, did i blink already? exhaustion made my lids heavy last night, and it wasnt until this morning i thought of what happened.

how far exactly does my metaphor extend? what exactly is at stake?
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[15 Nov 2006|07:00am]
back in like, march last year... i started writing a story. or more accurately, i wrote the prologue to a story.

it was based off a dream i had. and then eventually off of other dreams i had.

months later i went back to it, and started writing more. because i had more dreams. and so i added some, and changed more of the beginning, and kept going.

and just now, i looked over it, and i want to keep going. but i dont know what to add.

because the introduction i wrote is almost the very end of the story.

and then i added the beginning. and then more to the end. and then more to the beginning.

and i know what happened at the start. its firmly in my mind. and i know all but one detail of the end.

i just dont know how to get thru the middle. what happens between those two points? the ideas i have in them i adore, because ive always loved a story with interesting ideas and a weak plot better than a story with a great plot that is dull as hell. coughLOTRcough. and i like the ideas in this, and the plot hasnt even been built yet, so theres still a chance that can be okay too.

but how do i put the ideas together? there is such a blank space in my mind when i try and see how to get past it. if i drew up an outline the first 13 points or so would be filled out, the last 21 or so, and maybe 6 of the 50-60 in between.

just something that bothers me in the morning.
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